Goodbye

Monday.
Alittle different from the routine monday. But well, it's a bad thing that pushes routine out of monday, so I'm not really looking forward to it..
***
Because of what happened yesterday, I applied urgent OL. Have to go over to malaysia, for a day. Even though I would very much go for two. Sigh, medical appointment tomorrow..
***
Our car reached the church. It looked different from what I expected. Nothing grand, just a huge piece of land with a few scattered buildings, some house. Library, class room and a kindergarden. And there at the service hall holds the funeral..
It's not boring, certainly doesn't. Instead.. I felt a tinge of coziness in here. Relatives, families. We'd all gotten so much into our routine so much that we only get to see each other either on the happiest occasion, or the saddest one..
***
After we came back, lights at the hall came to life, the empty chairs were filled, we sat right at the back, someone even pass a memorial service book to me. We went through speeches, gospels, and I stared at the book as the priest drones on.
How many service has this book been through? I moved my fingers along the edge of the book.. Feeling it as if I could felt the countless sorrows held by the many people who'd been through. Now it's my turn.. I stared at the casket, analyzing it's height and width, I could imagine my aunt lying in there...
***
It's over. Everything.. We stood by the side, chattering awake, making small jokes.
***
I'd never seen a dead person before, never ever. And it's my first time today. My first time ever. And I swear.. I walked over slowly, after everyone'd left, together with my mum and brother. Hands over my mum's shoulder while clutching tightly onto my brother's arm. There I walked slowly.. And there I saw my aunt..
She looked.. Inanimate, cold, quiet, peaceful. I couldn't recognize her. Maybe I can't even accept it as my brain keeps telling me it's a wax figure, or it looked like one due to the make ups. I saw her, once, I stared really hard at my aunt, whose eyes are shut, hands on her chest. I waited, blink and stared again. I don't know what am I waiting for. A miracle? I don't know. It's like I'm waiting for her to move, I stared at her face, waiting to catch the slightest bit of movement.. But.. No.. She's not going to move..
It's like she in a deep sleep.. And I left her be..
***
11pm and I'm on my way back. Though it'd only been 6 short hours, I felt tired.. Mentally tired.. I still cannot accept it, I can't look at her children in their face, telling them everything will be alright. How could I when we all know that things will never be the same again?
***