Sigh

"That'll be 3.80"
"U wanna wash hair anot?"

"No"

"Okay"

I'm relief it's finally over.
Yes, my hair cut. Today, is the first time that I'm cutting my hair without bathing before that, straight after camp. Well I don't know. Maybe it'd become like a habit, I'm use to bathing, smelling all nice with smooth hair before cutting it. A ritual? or I did it out of respect for the hairdresser? Well it's something that I always have to do before my haircut.

but I'm too shag to think today. So much have happened. So tired, suddenly I just wanna serve (my ns) quietly, get it over and done with. I know it's nothing new to felt underappreciated. But getting scolded and threatening to charge me just because I came work late despite taking medicine and sick? Getting scowled at, despiting taking pride in my work which have a pathetic payout and saying u would not have sympathy for me. I'd taken it all, in the saf. Humiliation, insults.

Not that I would run to my parents, since I'd learn a fair share of sucking it up.

I just need my superior to be alittle understanding, I don't need any fucking sympathy. So what that my life's not fucking sheltered? I know being late
Is my fault. But you do not have to shred off all the single bit of the due respect and spit on it? I

The 2nd incident of the year, that made me hate wearing green alittle more.
We're here to prepare for war, not to...

shall not dwell in it anymore. What else could beat my first ever coming confinement, the one I got for getting off the vehicle too slow. He even reported it as "refusal" to get off vehicle. Injustice, really.. Injustice. I don't even dare tell my parents about it. It makes me feel so ashamed of myself (at that point of time) to be wearing the Singapore Army Uniform. I use to take pride it in, my job, the people, the environment, how exciting it is. How we learn from each other... Less the injustice.

Moving on, 1 more day to weekends, yet I'm not even looking forward to it. Duty fml zzz.

Unusual ways to burn calories!
*(From dailypix.me!)

Eat plain popcorn
Shake leg
Skip steps when climbing stairs
Text like mad (1hr = 132 cal.)
Eat while standing
Laugh (15mins = 50cal.)
Rearranging furnitures (30mins = 256cal.)
Eat spicy food
Put on lip gloss (765 x = 100cal.)
Take a cold shower
Give massage (30mins = 100cal.)
Hair drying
Stand on your tippy toes
Sit on a balance ball

Huat!

No matter how down your life is, it's not over -Ronnie Tan

nth

so many problems, unsolved.
so many hurdles
so many words,
so many things i have to say.

but when you're here,
i'm speechless,
nothing else matters anymore...

Pas de deux

Yesterday,
I could smell the winds of blues blowing already. Been on this emo-wreck phase, and to top it off, I'd got duty.
Gyess I could do with some day off my computer and emo-ing.

***

I couldn't sleep a wink, I'd been having insomia for like 2/3 weeks and it's killing me the fact that I can sleep the moment I close my eyes. Rolling around, trying to clear my thoughts, then again realize I'm thinking of things to clear my thoughts which ironically ruined the whole point.
Unmotivated, lazy, totally opposite of goal driven and I feel so much like a burst tyre, except I'm getting fatter with all the food.

Woke up at 5 where I decide to just get out of bed and chill on my computer. I'm so awake, wide awake. I couldn't even close my eyes as my sense of awareness heightens. The sound of the fan irritates me as I subconsciously counts the rhythm, wait for the wind, I could hear everything, amidst the stupid ringing sound that would probably stay with me for the rest of my life. I could hear the music from my brothers room, could even feel the lights underneath my door that was on.

"So fuck this shit"
"Since u want it that way" I told my body which didn't want rest.
Got up and on my computer, before slumping my heavy body onto my chair while waiting for my pc beamed to life.
Watched drama while stuffing snacks into my mouth.
FML.

Left the house before I blurry double check my bag for duty.

***

I miss our paux de deux.
The one and only, irreplaceable one.
The graceful steps,
How we give, how we take, vice versa.
How closely knitted,
The joyous energy,
Floating through the air.
A fairy tale, woven out of fate and destiny.

paux de deux,
Graceful steps throughout the dusk.
Till we see the morning sun,
It'd been an enjoyable worthy run

***

My bus throttled down the uneven roads, as I hit away on my berry keypad. Maybe this is the best way I release.

**

V

I miss u,
I don't want to hear your voice,
For it would only break my heart more.
Its never easy to take my mind off you.


Purging into numbness again.
The inevitable emptiness.
Then we will falter..

***

Set an alarm, but woke up before the alarm could sound. Guess I really hate wasting my weekends.

A day down a the V again, before having lunch over the last episode of season 3 of how I met your mother before heading down. Humid it is, guess we eventually settle down. Sort of became a habit to blog otw back since it's such a long bus ride back~

Usual coffee talks. And what's more?



***

Heading back early thou, brothers gathering over at my place, dinner, bai nian. And hopefully a great lan session to end the week.

Gretel..

Coffee talks about life.
I'd share more than what I expected, maybe I'm drunk I guess. Or I'd let yet another person into my life.
we're both deep in our own different ways.

And it all came streaming in. Sighs. Life..

***

We'd both came a really long way I guess. Far too long, my dearest. So long until maybe I don't know what I'm fighting for.. Maybe I'm just living base on selective memories already, happy moments that I lived in that make me hold on.

I'd lost track,
I'm lost. I'd come so far, it'd been such a long journey that I'd ran out of bread crumbs to throw on the ground already. I'm lost..

Nice hansel and gretel analogy,
But I have to admit, it'd been too far for us to go back to where we were anymore. We'd lost it. Hand in hand, we'd both lost it. Along the way, we just lost the track of the bread crumbs that guide us along the journey of life already.

And there we are, still wondering aimlessly in that forest.

Oh my dearest gretel.
I love you,

*laughs*

"Worth still, I can't even find the fucking chocolate candy house to kill the witch"

"Cheebye"

***

Maybe we're still finding answers to our lives. Hope that someday down the road, we'll be down at V, sipping coffee, contented with the answers that we seek..

F4ll

All of this is eating me away.
Tearing my soul,
Messing my thoughts
Time and again,
And again,
Yet again.
I'm falling..

cruel fairy tale.

//
But one day, I will be smiling
as I fall asleep in your arms.

cold

why,
why you dont care how i feel
why you neglect me and left me there in the cold.
i dont know.
i would never know..
you wont even be there to answer my screams.
i felt as if you dont care at all..
a slightest bit of consideration, concern... none.
you'd been taken away.

i felt...
used, neglected, cold...



the feelings have diminish,
i can feel it.
so what are we holding on for..?

ihatemyselfforbeingsoweaknabehcheebyesibeidulan






//
goodbye doesn't seem that far away.

18wishes

I woke up at 5ish, I guess?
The skies are too dark,
So I just rolled back into slumber.
Been dreaming a lot, a lot,
So much that I'm feeling extra tired just so my brain's still functioning.
The first dream about friendship, 2nd about love. And the last happens after I slept again..

War..

*oblivious to my alarm*
I jotted out of my bed as I felt that I'd been down for too long. 7.27, as displayed on my berry. Indeed too long.
I jumped up, however extra calm, prepare as fast as I could. Wash up, smart 4, grab my things. It was only 10mins when I left.

Contemplating whether should I just take a bus coz I'll be late anyways or get a cab,I ran towards the main road before my brain can make any decision. Didn't want to be late again..

Had a hard time finding a cab, before I was literally waving frantically at one. 742.. Up the cab. What happened next lead to my utmost regret of taking a cab during peak hour. Firstly, cabs won't go to the bus lane, they will slowly move with the other cars. Why risk cutting via bus lane when u can drive slowly and earn some extra cash. Moreover, it's the peak period. I fucking swear, I'm moving on about the pace for the bus. The traffic on the road is as shitty as it could get and for that moment, I understand what the government meant by having "too many" cars on the road. I'm clocking about $2-3 plus on every traffic lights, not forgetting the distance..
Camp's only usually a 20-30mins bus ride away, and I took 30mins to get up the hill. Totally not worth it consider the fare to be $18.
$18 for a 10mins difference? Well, maybe in my context it might, because I might risk getting a confinement.

Sigh, still.. ahhh fuck it. No point dwelling
Guess I'll only have myself to blame, when my ears chose to block out the sirens from my berry.

***

A mundane day at camp, and my thoughts went back to my last dream. I dreamt that the government lost power and chaos was bestowed everywhere. Crime taking place, killing robbing and what not. Whole city's in a wreck and everyone's fleeing to the nearest refuge, malaysia. Even the custom's pretty much fucked. I see chaos everywhere, and could only gather afew bros to stay safe.
This sight is indeed, saddening. I got no idea what lead to this, but certainly, this is the last thing that I want it to happen to my city. D:

Then the days drones on..

***

Playing kpop, and doing random doodles.
Was browsing art when I noticed a tim burton inspired pictures of pokemon wjen I decided to give it a go as well~

& I drew a pretty kick ass pidgey ~ that might be my next mini project for five7ninety-three. I thought~ we'll see..

***

Day 3 for C. Isit day 3??
Yes the cage of pain.. You'll get out of there someday..

Extra tired today,
Duty tomorrow,
Hoping to pass every week smoothly and quietly.. It's like we're playing the game of life and we're stuck in pallet town.
It'll be another 7mths before I get to choose my pokemon after I took my first step out onto that grass patch. Huat.

the story of love.

Invention of Love (2010)

F

几天之间统统仿佛出了错
负责开心这位
偏偏怎么不似我
每次这般也掠过
某段旧儿歌
许多东西追追赶赶补了两课
但耳边的声音
轻飘飘都击退我
晚晚对空气念过
是我有问题么
想太多想到不记得谁是我
想要哭哭我为何没停下过
发傻
心里的爱找到三吋觅鞋踏破
找到七岁的我写过一遍日记
像这么
My Future ____________
So How Are You Dear
可忆记你这个房
蓝蓝墙下我是王
无人不要慌
Trust In You Dear
请不要喊听我讲
童年寂寞也盼望
送向远方的你烛光
打开天空天空应该不会错
望向山高海深
苍天应该想试我
晚晚也安慰着我
尚有老掉情歌
工作多多到不免自然做错
赶快将那粗糙的我炼成大器
再琢磨
率性的我愿能维持十成自我
想到七岁的我迷途绵羊日记
已像这么
而你也过得可以吗
童年里那个我都哭过嘛
你是如何走过可怕
So How Are You My Dear
Trust In You My Dear
流星日月时光
请紧记你这个房
蓝蓝长梦已渐黄
仍然不要慌
心迷途何方
今天也要听我讲
如若现实欠盼望
再向远方的你探访...

stay strong... 
stay strong...

Armor: iota of truth

there're days when i was unknowingly smarter.
alittle more intelligent,
guess that's when my brain juice starts flowing into the right place.
still no scientific explanation for this occurrence 
but since my poly days, i call it.

"trance"

it happened again, in C's care as we're talking.


***
you should live your own life.
it'd been so long that you'd entwine yours with someone.
i want you to go live your life,
do something you want.
learn something, do something stupid, anything.
just for yourself.

-analogy comes here-

U can't always be her knight in shiny armor
(U can't always be the knight in the shiny armor).
For u have to live for yourself.
that armor is too heavy.
Put it down once in awhile,

But then again, u will only have to wear the armor until u found the kingdom worth.
Worth fighting for,
Worth wearing the armor and defending for..

"i want you to go live your life,
U can't always be her knight in shiny armor, u have to live for yourself.
 it's time to put down that heavy armor,
until you found a kingdom worth fighting for"



Keywords.


what happened next was a turn-off as i burst out laughing:
"KNN SOLI FOR RUINING THE MOMENT, BUT THAT'S SOME DEEP SHIT"


---
i was totally psyched by this analogy, it's pretty cool i swear.
and i starts throwing in keywords and all because i forgot how i said it the moment it came out of my mouth.

 well it is along the line of this, but i swear at that moment, i string them up alot better.
it could've just been part of a script.
yea, like a show.
how ironic when life is just like any drama.
the world is a gigantic stage,
and all of us are our own lead.
no, NG
no CUTs,
one take, one shot.
that's all you have at life.

5TH

I woke up, feeling terrible.
It's not the hangover, nor is it that I'm drunk. It just happened. Dehydration. My throat was throbbing dry, and I find it hard to even swallow my saliva, it definitely is not directly cause by alcohol, because I used to do much better than that. No dehydration problems, but this shit comes suddenly.
A sign to quit drinking?

I don't know, but I would much prefer a cup of cafe mocha anyday compared to a shot of tequila. That's why I'm heading to V today. Well new year have pretty much been an eye opener to me, meet tons of new people, relatives, being together with everyone and I even had a shot at gambling as well. Used to be an addict, but not anymore. Bought 2 uniqlo shirts for new year, wanted to get M but got an L instead as my arms are too long. Sounds more stupid when I compare arms with Aaron, mine was only afew cm longer -.-
I'd thrown up my sail, waiting for the wind. Life hasn't all been smooth sailing yet, but I believe the wind will come.

***

Went down after I drank quite an amt of water and decided to take lunch downstairs. My usual style is much different as I prefer to takeaway, bringing it back to the comforts of my home and how I met your mother. Looks like I'm alittle tight on time today. And little did I know I'm about to bump into a chio bu~ average build, abit skinny, local ahlian girl next door pai. Gim moh (gold hair) somemore! Keekkekekeke gim moh~
Looks like there's hope finally for senja already kekkeke~ and I realized she painted a gemini sign on her nails. Awww not another gemini D:

***

Today's good.
Really good. I felt surprising relieved thou. Well sometimes it's really strange when 2 people can click. Endless topic come streaming in, irrelevant rants. Guess that's what friends are for. Sometimes, it's quite good to go one on one with a brother, just talk, coffee. Did a lot of those with yap, didn't know I could pull it off with G as well.
& we're both no gay pls. I could bet that we're the last 2 guy in the world who would turn gay. Lim kopi, talk cock, beo zhar bo.
what more could I ask for when saturdays can be so peaceful like that. It's so. Zen. A still pond, no ripples. G would be a perfect social link for the corporate world.. At this rate that we're talking about work. Never thought I would find it good to talk about work. Politics, happenings. Guess why people do want to keep up with the news.
Surprising that how I found a keeper on steam. Surprisingly..

***

On the other side, things weren't that smooth for C. Thrown into the abyss of confusion, I'm alittle affected to. A brother of mine, blood bonded. We literally grew up together, together even before we could speak. Struggling alongside life. it's just tragic..

***

As much as I would love/like a happening life. That's just a mask. It eats into me, I guess? But deep inside. I still love quiet weekends. Cruising around town, babe gazing, coffee, playing some light jazz while reading on my bed, LANing with my brothers in the league and cursing at our defeats over kkm.
Oh kkm!

Kekoumian (可口面) they call it.
& it's literally KOKA Noodles.
Located @ blk 163, the lights would only be on from 230am in the morning, and you would see the coffeeshop being brought to life, by this uncle. U would no doubt argue that 3.50 for a maggie mee?! But trust me, it really bought everyone in the community together. It'd even became a culture for everyone in bukit panjang..
Sadly, he changed the timing to 5am now and it'd been replaced some shitty fishball noodle shop who serves an obvious less tasty pathetic serving noodles for the same price.
Seriously? Kkm 5am - 3pm? :(
It's sad. It's fucking sad. Just felt like a part of my life had just disappeared..

***

I heaved a sigh before smiling weakly to myself and dig my hands into my pockets, prepared to stroll home with some nice music. Nabeh, broke into a sprint as I saw my estate bus coming.
Such is life, indeed..

a music before i go..

h

you, predator
always seeking the weak,
seeking the ones,
ruining the lives of others, tainting your own.
cassanova or romeo i dont give 2 fuck.
you irks me.

hcny.HUAT

lost

maybe we'd both lost it already.
i'd lost it already, definitely.
i'd lost the girl who love me the most,
lost the girl who care for me,
i'd lost it all.

you're different,
and i lost the old you.
i miss the old you.
and you have gone and would never come back.

x

i can over look any flaws,
but you dont have to throw this at me.
we'd been at it for so long
compromise for so long.

how could i not hate your career when it's what that takes you away from me?
u never put yourself in my shoes now.
u dont even bother.

i'm utterly hurt.
utterly disappointed.
maybe you're just as so,
i dont know.
but the attitude you're giving me,
is totally different from the attitude of yours at work.

saying "im tired" whenever we hit a bumpy road now ?
that's not like you when you're @ work.
tired of what?
work, or our relationship?

now that we put every cards on the table, u dont even bother to play
u even pass me your cards asking me to throw whatever i want.
how can i be not mad,
how can i be not agitated
when the one dearest to me is doing this to me

Bakery

Yes! Feel so good to be on off in the middle of the week! Gonna meet Adel today and we're gonna go her place and do some baking!

***

Screw baking :(
The fucking pineapple paste is fucking difficult to shape. It's like hell's kitchen back there.

But we had fun.
Definitely(:

050213

I'm back.
Here again.
think I fuck myself up too much,
Losing streak in the league.
This is one stupid phase

***

Wake up early,
Put on my smart 4 and off I went for my MA. Hate gng to ma in uniform. But who cares since I'm going back to camp after that.

***

We're so jaded together.
So jaded..

Goodbye

Monday.
Alittle different from the routine monday. But well, it's a bad thing that pushes routine out of monday, so I'm not really looking forward to it..
***
Because of what happened yesterday, I applied urgent OL. Have to go over to malaysia, for a day. Even though I would very much go for two. Sigh, medical appointment tomorrow..
***
Our car reached the church. It looked different from what I expected. Nothing grand, just a huge piece of land with a few scattered buildings, some house. Library, class room and a kindergarden. And there at the service hall holds the funeral..
It's not boring, certainly doesn't. Instead.. I felt a tinge of coziness in here. Relatives, families. We'd all gotten so much into our routine so much that we only get to see each other either on the happiest occasion, or the saddest one..
***
After we came back, lights at the hall came to life, the empty chairs were filled, we sat right at the back, someone even pass a memorial service book to me. We went through speeches, gospels, and I stared at the book as the priest drones on.
How many service has this book been through? I moved my fingers along the edge of the book.. Feeling it as if I could felt the countless sorrows held by the many people who'd been through. Now it's my turn.. I stared at the casket, analyzing it's height and width, I could imagine my aunt lying in there...
***
It's over. Everything.. We stood by the side, chattering awake, making small jokes.
***
I'd never seen a dead person before, never ever. And it's my first time today. My first time ever. And I swear.. I walked over slowly, after everyone'd left, together with my mum and brother. Hands over my mum's shoulder while clutching tightly onto my brother's arm. There I walked slowly.. And there I saw my aunt..
She looked.. Inanimate, cold, quiet, peaceful. I couldn't recognize her. Maybe I can't even accept it as my brain keeps telling me it's a wax figure, or it looked like one due to the make ups. I saw her, once, I stared really hard at my aunt, whose eyes are shut, hands on her chest. I waited, blink and stared again. I don't know what am I waiting for. A miracle? I don't know. It's like I'm waiting for her to move, I stared at her face, waiting to catch the slightest bit of movement.. But.. No.. She's not going to move..
It's like she in a deep sleep.. And I left her be..
***
11pm and I'm on my way back. Though it'd only been 6 short hours, I felt tired.. Mentally tired.. I still cannot accept it, I can't look at her children in their face, telling them everything will be alright. How could I when we all know that things will never be the same again?
***

Fri

Friday.
It's here again, the day that I'd been living for this week.

I was sleeping on my face when my alarm rang. My week have been pretty much fun filled already. So much for sprinkling the magic. Got myself up, deal with the usual backache, and heave my self up and off my bed. Had a sweet sleep.. Must be the beer doing their work yesterday. Prep and off I go, moving very very slowly, as if I'm made of glass. I'm just fucking tired. Fucking tired.

The bus thing, they ought to do something about it. This company rather let it's hundreds of foreign talents flooded the bus rather than getting a bus for them and this clog could get really nasty.

Ah off the fuck with this shit. Right now I'm concentrating on how fun my weekends could get. Meeting Y on friday, heading down jb with my guys on saturday. I could probably do with a haircut too.

***

Didn't really slept a wink today. Spend the day out there, connecting with people. Well I does really feels good sometime, talking with people, connecting with people. Even buzzed up afew old friends from whatsapp, 1 of them even had a girlfriend already!

Its all good, I guess.

***

Head out to town with Y, usual pizza. Usual strolling around, before rushing back to meet up with Sherm.
And tgt w/ Chang, we're all heading to jb.
Learn some lessons and yea, culture shock yo.

***

2 v gao kopi makes me slept only @ 7. Pcb

Taken

Off you go,
Taken, and gone with the wind.
Your soul, floated up to the heavens,
For all the good you did,
Never did we expect it comes so suddenly,
Jaded, faded, you go,
Peacefully to the town of gold,
Living in his arms eternally.
May you find peace, amongst the quietest city,
Where the rustling leaves blow
You smile, free from pain,
Free from all, problems ceased.
Rest in peace

...

Today is a weird day.
Strangely, I feel this surge of energy.
Did I purged that out to counter the news?
That.. I never know.
but I did enjoy myself, with a tinge of emptiness.
The news didn't come so suddenly, expected, but.. Alittle too soon..
Motivated, been motivating myself.

Work or not, I wanna live my life, run with the winds, do what I like. Ogling at babes. spend on what I like.. For life's too short for regrets.
Planned an artsy Sunday with ernest, and I invited aaron as well.
Remembered when I talked about me wanted to find back some lost connection?
Well, this social link, I call them yappa and nesty. yes, stupid nicknames :P

---

Head over to chinatown with yappa first before nest join us @ sam.
Nice, had a meal of mac and also some random fan meeting w/ the cast of ah boys to men.
It's random, but it's nice seeing tosh and his crew rocking the crowd at china town.
Smart move director neo :P definitely.

Oh, why china town? Because we use to go there often.
Fans of toys, fingurines, and lots of random stuff. Sunday is when the floors of china town square comes alive, coughing up a small community of fans and nerds alike.
It's a nice little community, weapon collectors, anime fans, card traders u can find them all.
There's a little jack of all trades in me, hence this trip.

 ---

Met Ernest later and there we go, exploring and playing with visual arts. I can never describe how I like interacting with them. I'm not a fan of photo taking, but trust me, I become a totally different person once I step into an art musuem, ideas starts brimming, humour, cliche, and a whole lot of unexpected shit that the little artsy blood starts flowing thru my brains throwing in random ideas.
We ended the day with a foot long subway and an impromtu movie session.
Hansel and Gretel: witch hunters.



It's okay.
But spend most of the time with my eyes glued to Gemma Arterton gosh how can hansel stand such a hot sister? :P
Literally drooling all over the cinema floor when the credits starts rolling. And aye, it's a soso movie, light laugh, predictable, pretty much? Ruthless witch brawling and well I'll give it a 6/10.
And there we go, home (:

laze

so have to share this before it gets taken down.
i know ah boys to men 2 is out in cinema now, well if you have forgotten the prequel

watch ah boys to men part 1 movie with english and chinese sub.



not superb quality, but it's good enough for free

woke up pretty late, stupid kopi ytd, si bei gao. lim bei 8am then sleep.
lazing at home, procrastinating for my supposed haircut.
darn :(

THURS 300113

Here we are again, sipping beer, chionging the free snacks at chevrons. Beers are only going off at 2.20 per pint, furthermore, the snacks so far have unlimited free refill. There we are, in our smart 4, no giving two fucks, gobbling down bowls and bowls of snacks and then refilling them. Ended my day with a mc chicken @ mac. Huat

Thursday is.. Well quiet I think. The jungle is just fine. Gentle rustling of leaves, swaying trees and I'm out connecting with people. Building social links again. I'd been.. Lazy I guess? Hibernating in the cave, no even leaving it for a moment.

***

Bought a pair of running shoes from the emart. And I hope I would motivate myself to for god sake even start running. Wish I could run as much as I did in pokemon.