clarity

i feel so less alive,
feel so disconnected.
i'd got no idea what's with me.
my thoughts are still wired,
just that, i felt very dreamy,
eyes felt very clouded, tired,
filled with fatigue.

god, i need some NZT

The Thieves

been wanting to share this so i thought i'll embed it before it gets take down.

the Thieves korean movie english sub



well it's screened on a film festival, been wanting to catch this for sometime and boy gianna jun is still so hot :3

enjoy!

Ronnie,
what happen to becoming a better me?

?v????????v???

What have I done wrong?
Why are you punishing me this way?

Why always I must be to one to go down like a dog and give in? What have I done????v??????v????

In the parallel universe we would be sipping coke and stuffing popcorn in our mouths,
Waiting for the show to start,

Butwhythefuckamisufferinglikethis?

I admit defeat.
I need some anti depressant,
Some drugs.

For that moment, I even thought how would it be like if I were to jump down right now,
Just like that.
No, I can't just end it like that.
You won't care,
Nobody would know the truth,
And it'll all just be.just another suicide.

I can't go down this way.

Now I can't even see you

I'm really sorry that I have to resort to this. To writing.. I'm feeling really terrible right now so much that I wanna just get down and run away.

Away from everything.
I have to admit, I was little bit more to suicidal. It's the lowest form of escape it could have been..

Why must u be so pissed just because I didn't got up the same train as you are? I didn't complain when I clock countless 10-15 mins outside the toilet waiting for you. I didn't curse when u took more than an hour to prepare.

just when we're going to watch a movie, why must you just flare up on me? And the worse part of it? You're not even apologetic about it. Not a single tinge of it. U never said sorry, u never will go back down on me. Instead, you sprinkled non-stop sarcasm on my wounds. It hurts you know?
How pathetic is it that we can't even go proper.
How low have we sunk so much that we quarrel every single time we went out.

You scolded me for counting, but I have to, because I care. I won't if I didn't.
Why do you have to do this? I asked myself so many questions only to find myself losing on the table. I'd lost. You'd seen the weakest side of me so much that you can not hesitate to go down hard to me every time.

A relationship needs give and take, and if you're expecting me to act like a timely obedient dog, I'm sorry. Why can't u just keep your claws and left me breathe? Why do you have to sink in ur fangs so deep that it cuts off my veins and nerve.

You just want me dead don't you?

I can die, if you want me to.
I can die right now.
I'm prepared.
I can jump onto a moving truck,
Down my 7th storey building.
(I was really depressed at thiss point of time)

Seeing couples huddle tgt, just makes me feel worse.

I'd hit rock bottom,
I'd lost it all,
I'd lost sight of you.

Why do I like cuddling so bad?
Because it's only then we won't quarrel. Maybe it's because of that, subconsciously we took going out together out of the equation.

It sucks you know,
To quarrel and only to find ourselves travel to and fro for nothing. How you walked out of the cinema queue. How my heart got left to burn.

I'm already torn.
So why are you torturing me?

nos

cant believe how the hell did i manage to do this without a video tutorial back them
i'd got no recollection of this,
the only thing i rmb is how i manage to open my ipod after prying with a scissors.

god, are my brains rotting already?

Pursuit Of Happiness

Shagged

Hate everything.
Hate how we have to waste time before we can finally meet on a friday.
Fuck.. Zzzz

:/

league story

"Not leaving R..?"

i shake my head weakly which laid on my hand on the table,

while my other played with my summoner's orb, twirling the beautiful crystal ball which went through thick and thin with me.

My eyes gazed upon the reflections of the orb, rolling to, and forth echoing the sound against the great oak table throughout the institute of war. People come, people go, but why do i still stay?

I start rolling and catching my orb, oblivious to the massive groups of summoners, going in and out of the institute of war, some in tears, some in the heat of the angry.

"pst, those who dont live by the code will be exile one day"

i felt a pat on my shoulders and i lazily looked up,

only to find the face of my comrade shaking me.

"you alright?"

"still going for another round?"

"nah, i'm good here", i return my gaze to my orb, and as if he understood, he leave me be.

Perhaps which is why i still stay at the league.

It could take my pain away.

for that few moments when my mind could only transfixed onto the magical screens and i put pain at the back of my head.

Where i numb myself and my yells cushion the pain.

But yet the ghost couldn't be slain,

not now,

not ever.

so i'm just a boy trapped in the league.

So what do i seek?

i travel throughout the vast lands, braved through the howling abyss, 

i'd meet lots of people, summoners who shared different ideal, 

guild mates whose chatter drones on while i looked out at the window of the wine tavern.

I strolled out into the vine yard,  sliding my orb into my robe. 

Pacing around, occasionally kicking the snow, I looked up to the skies of twilight, 

wondering if you're also underneath.

Where ever you are, the one i seek.

come to me, 

and take me away from the league.

s

maybe we both just need to hold onto each other,
and slow down.

iloveyou.

Cold

Badly wanted to write, but I didn't had a chance to.. Thousands of sentences string through my mine, at that precise moment.

Hurt, pain..

I hate how we're making each other feel miserable. How cold and lonely I felt despite sitting in the living room, oblivious to the noisy chatter going on.

How happy you are when you're with your family.

How I could not give you anything but misery. How ironic it is as we sat opposite each other, having candle lit dinner, only to find our forks at each other's heart

Maybe ultimately, freedom would be the best gift, from me.. To you.
~ily

flat

emptiness cowers me more than fear.
numbness spreads across my head,
feeling helpless, not knowing what to do.
i feel flat,
stress, unmotivated.
depress..
low self worth.

life,
the most tiring journey.

lucia

I will be better.
i will be positive.

i'll slowly learn how to live life to the fullest.

mundane thursday.
and alittle easter egg by Lucia just made my day..




cant wait.
to find you back in my arms.
again..

MONDAY

goals of the week:

[TO DO]

- FOCUS FOCUS
- work work work
- clear inbox
- clear my desktop
- study
- reading
- finish my statement
- self made organizing board for arts programme
- tidy room
- get  ebooks

[HABITS]

- at least 6 hours of SLEEP (TUCKED IN BED BY 00.15)
- back to exercising
- league (1 hour MAX)

[EVENTS]

- kite flying
- meet up w/ vash

FOCUS MY FUCKING GOALS

life of a summoner

i looked back at the days in my league.
with a heavy heart,
i dragged my feet about the institute of war,
hesitant...
it'd all been too much for me,
riding on the league curve alone out of late,
and it's mostly on the down side,
slowly, my comrades left, one by one, leaving the league,
but i'm still here, always on the prowl for the perfect team,
which i guess, can never be found.
why cant i leave this place?
a place where i was acknowledge,
praise for my skills,
my wisdom,
conjuring strategy,
i didnt know i can be a mentor,
a leader.

it was all thanks to the league,
where i found myself.

it all begin afew years back,
when i'm still contemplating to try out both the Newerth and the League,
and it was during one of the chinese new year, when it was introduce to me by my couz.
i begin with the songstress, and little did i know that i'm bad with strings,
we all play in the NA server, before i succumbed to addiction of the league,
playing alone,
and there i found my perfect team.
He's a philosopher, another one is the Engineer, and i'm the Asian.
we're one fucking hell of a tripod.
& from there i discovered my gift of being a DPS.
we were quite very close to playing competitive, when the new proxy barrier shut us down.
i then submitted to my fate and went back to SG,
it is however, bad...

leavers,
barbarians,
ragers.
it was so bad that i wanted to quit.
we rally together, my couz and afew friends,
and we're back up again.
i got my rune page, i play through different champions,
i discovered my talent for hecarim,
my fingers could actually danced swiftly during engage,
my fingers waltz effortlessly with leblanc and ahri, taking down whoever near me.

& of course,
the league curve.
the good days and the bad days.
the days you can win, and it's so hard to lose,
and the days when loss is inevitable.
5 hours down 6 games, and nothing changed.
it's as if the odds are against you.
so i survive some set backs here and there,
but at least i wasn't alone.

We played regularly,
daily, weekly,
we had a home ground LAN shop,
we shouted like crazy,
battle cries,
vulgarities,
defeats that makes us leave with our heads bowed down.
but that was all history.

Looking at my summoning orb,
the reflections of my comrades slowly fade away,
i can only see myself.
i'm all alone,
addiction, emptiness,
time wasting.
sigh.
this addiction is pulling me down.
like a fucking drug

was really contemplating,
and i decided to cut down. (REALLY CUT DOWN)
i know i'll have to eventually leave the league one day.
this is no fairy tail,
and all students have to graduate,
and all summoners have to eventually leave.

goodbye halcyon days.

l.

i'm thankful
for this weekend,
for once, we went on dates again,
for once we head out, out of the confines of our room,
out, rather than just sleeping our weekend of because our tough weekdays are burning our energy like fuels,
it's amazing how fresh air helps,
& maybe we can learn to love each other again.