How Climbing the Bukhansan;(A Mountain) Changed My Life.

After watching Everest, a film based on a true disaster in the 1996, I left the cinema with a sunken heart and an indescribable feeling of condolences. It was in the movies, when they were talking about “why do you climbed a mountain?” that, made me went through a series of introspection.

Born physically weak due to my drug allergy, I wasn't in my best of form when I was a child and because of that nature, my parents used to be very protective of me, fearing that I might injured or exhaust myself as I’d been through a few episode of over exhaustion. So I grow to be a very conservative and indoor person, who don’t take any sort of ‘risk’ nor do I move around much. Hence I always had a hard time when it comes to physically taxing activities. To top it off, sports wasn't in my best of interest, so I'm basically like a “mage” in real life. Except I don’t have any magical powers.

Earlier last year, I travelled to Seoul with a few of my close friends whom I can call family. My worst fear is confirmed when we were going to climb the Bukhansan;the highest peak in Seoul, when we’re there.

“It’s very safe one”, that’s what they all always said. Initially, I was relief when they decided to postpone the plan, hoping that they would scrap this one off. What are the odds of coming here again “the next time?” The day had finally come and my inside was hoping for a bad weather to turn this one around. Nothing happens. So before we know it, we are wandering around the nature park, looking for the trail to ascend.

Used to be depressed with mild anxiety disorder, my personality wasn't the best concoction for any sort of risk taking activities. Bred with an acute phobia of death and roller coasters, my heart always skipped a beat when I see people being hurled up into the skies or when I'm peering over ledges and my mind would start ‘playing’ the worst possible scenario that could happen, which usually includes overly exaggerated deaths.

Repeating mantras of positivity, I started the hike with a tinge of uneasiness, and fear.
“Hang in there.”
“You love long walks, so you’re gonna love this.”
“Slow and steady.”
“It’s just walking, and more walking, and a little bit of climbing.”

It was tough, in fact a gruelling moment for me. The trails are beyond uneven, and my worn off Adidas Superstar can only do so much. There are even several times that I almost sprained my leg as I could feel my feet twisting sideways before springing back. I almost tripped and almost sprained as well. 

“God, I could have sprained my legs.”
“God, I could have died if I had missed my footing.”

As much as my mental state is starting to fail me, my physical state is crumbling as well. My heart beats escalates beyond bearable and I was unable to catch my breath. My head is spinning and I felt a slight dizziness, just like how any of my past episodes of over exhaustion. My lips are as dry as paper and no amount of water could moist it. Soon I started to breath really deeply while my body heave up and down involuntarily, it seems like my nostril is not big enough, or I'm not taking in enough oxygen to fuel my body.

Nothing, but one word came to my mind.

“Breathe.”

I realized I’d been panicking. It is probably my old persona trying to haunt me. Or was it my negativity? I don’t know. My family and friends are kind enough to take extra care of me in fact. Checking in with me every now and then, making sure I was okay. We took a few breaks here and there, and every time I sat down, I try to recompose myself each time during the breaks. I could have almost quitted halfway, but their words of encouraging keeps me from breaking.

Before I know it, I started to adapt to the air in the altitude, I started to breathe okay. Before I know it, I started to enjoy it. I looked out to the greens, to the mountains, just enjoying the nature for once in my 23 years of life. I’d been turning away from all this, and right now I'm looking at all of them at once.

We even trekked to the wrong side as we found ourselves at the peak of the lower altitude, there are several peaks that was up in the clouds and we sort of asked around before resuming the hike.
“So which one ah?”
“The next one only.”
“Ahh okay okay!”
My inside were beaming since it’s just the next one. My mind just wanted to get this over at done with. Thinking back, I'm now glad they lied to me about the distance that we were about to cover. (Didn't thought much about it and I just followed the trail).

Things got worse when it’s just rocks which lays out in almost a vertical elevation. We slowly navigate across, up, and down nature’s territory; the rocks, the logs, and the never-ending flights of stairs. We even have some parts where there’s just a harness for us to hold, and a thin piece of rock that’s just enough for one of us to stand on as we move slowly across the mountain.

Almost there, my mind’s a blank once I'm at it. I shut myself out from everyone else and starts clenching into the built on harness, pulling myself up bit by bit, while telling myself I'm not settling for the second best, I'm going for the peak. Yes, I'm going for the peak. Eyes on the prize, I make my way up step by step as I looked towards the peak which gradually became visible over time.

We reached the first point of the peak, a giant plateau where everyone just sits there, picnic, chitchat and of course, take photographs. We started to lay down, enjoy the air, and starts to take out the food and snacks that we bought. It’s so comfortable that we even took a short napped there. From here, I could see a huge chunk of the city, everything seems so small, just like a toy model of Seoul. The air at the peak is beyond refreshing, with every breath, I could felt the fresh mountain air travel down into my body, detoxifying me. We then climbed up to the main peak, the highest point of Seoul. I shut myself out again, this time voluntarily, as I felt my goosebumps rising; in fact I felt it now too as I was reliving this moment while I'm typing.
“You did it, yes, you did it”
“look out there, the highest point of Seoul, and you did it”
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath in and whispered thank you before I starts to descend from the mountain.

You know the moment when you experience changes? Like when you could literally felt something inside you change? At that glowing moment, I felt it. I felt how opening to mountaineering changed me. I could felt something bloomed inside me, not that I have suddenly found a new passion for mountaineering. I had learnt how one could muster their willpower and determination, or rather, how I could muster my willpower and keep going forward when I'm pushing myself to the limits. I never believed I could conquered a mountain, but I have nevertheless done it. For once, I was proud of myself. My companions definitely deserve credits for keeping me at bay for I would not have made it to the top if not their patience, and encouragements. That kept me going, and I didn't want to give up, nor do I want to disappoint anyone of them. And maybe… just maybe, I owe it to myself too, for I would not have made it had I decided to throw the towel.

Seoul is now definitely going to be one of the most important cities in my life where I had many life changing moments. And conquering the Bukhansan is definitely one of them.

P.S. not saying everyone should go climb a mountain now, but you know the gist of it. Be adventurous, take a leap. You'll be surprise at where it takes you.

lights

My fingers twitched as I was trying to light up my stick. My burnt lungs,

The goosebumps on my arms rise in harmony while the wind howled in their sarcastic joy. I stood at the top of the multi-storey carpark. Peering over at the abyss of scattered lights, rain falls, while leaving the skies with a tinge of the light.

My eyes jotted aimlessly, from lights to lights overlooking the now miniature estate from the top. Wandering about the stories of those living in their little box of light, looking at the vehicles trailing along the road in order. Like how everything is set into place now.

I’d always pondered over our significance in the universe, how little we seem in the whole galaxy. How people should contemplate life, or probably I should say how deep we should go.

They say ignorance is bliss, the likes of those corporate grunt and their simplified objectives. Nothing is ever complicated to them. They work, they pay the bills, fall in love, have their own family. Whereas the curse of the enlightened took the burden of awareness. We harness nothing but thoughts which try to drown the supercomputer that we wear on our head.

You know how they say how perfections sees nothing but short comings, how thinkers see nothing but problems. We’re forever fighting to be ahead, but yet our invisible opponent always takes the lead.

Time is ticking. I’m lost. Yet, I’d got not much time left, but it is what I have to spare. To take a breather off things. Rushing my mental self to make a decision, I’d come at nothing but to find myself lazing, feeling my hand around my comfort zone. What path I have to take, what mastery do I have to perfect?

So what is our purpose of life?
What do we do? How are we supposed to know what are we here for?
Where should we go?

Questions like this, probe my mind. But yet, we only have a short life of limited time to find out. 

(image source)

A Girl (the one)

I want a girl

Just a girl

I could forgo, anything else.

The possible dates,

The things that will add any extra distance between us,

The ego boost when you’re recounting your “game” to your brothers.

Anything… And everything else would be just a background noise…

She doesn’t have to be the prettiest girl in the world, nor does she have to be rich.

She doesn’t have to be a talent. She doesn’t have to balance on a ball while spinning a plate with a chopstick. She could be just about anyone you would see in the concrete jungle, while you’re commuting, but you’re too engrossed in being selfish and you couldn’t see how she glows.

She might come across as just another’ someone to you. But not for me.

Because it’s the inside that matters, and everyone else are just going for the superficial. I don’t need the superficial to tell me that I’d done great. I don’t need a babe to let people acknowledge me. I don’t need to show off because what matters is when I’m walking back home smiling after our date. That’s what it matters. And fuck off with the hi-fives. I’m probably just a conventional loser inside.

She’s someone whom I can wake up to everyday, someone whom I will catch when she falls. Just someone, who makes it all worthwhile.

She’ll be the pain in the ass that I could never get angry with

The one that I’ll hold while we parade down the streets

The one who laugh at all of my lousy jokes

The one who probably oversee my looks and love me for who I really am

The one I can be candid with

The one who truly cares for me

The one who wants the best for me

The one who play fight with me on our bed and we’ll eventually make out

The one who I can snuggle with knowing that nothing else matters (for now)

The one who nags at my bad habits,

The one who never stops fighting for our future.

The one who could looked me genuinely in my eyes while she talks, and when she does that I wish that time could stop. Or rather (everyone else can just be gone for a minute so we could be the only 2 person in our world)

She’ll be the one who I can looked at, seeing nothing but our future together.

She’ll definitely be the one that I would love to look after.

She’ll be the one that I’m willing to give up the possible future with anyone else for.

Because she’s the only one I want to be with...

"I love you bae"

P.S. maybe we can all grow old and fat together since I’m getting a huge head start with all the mac & cheese and truffle fries